Rant: New Year's Resolutions
I've been told before you shouldn't make New Year's Resolutions but I've never been very good at taking advice, which is why we are here in the first place. Here's a vague, hastily written list of things I would like to do in 2023.
Write More
I used to have a personal blog powered by Hugo. It was all very nice and elegant and was powered by CLI tools and git. The problem was, it seemed like every time I posted on it (about 1-3 months) something would break! Whether it was the CSS, or some script I wrote, or the LetsEncrypt certbot not renewing my certificates, or my domain expiring, or Hugo needing to be updated... This sounds really dramatic, but there was too much friction, and I quickly learned that if there was literally any friction involved, I would find an excuse not to write.
Because on-top of the friction there was a host of fears - what if my writing just isn't good? What if it's not useful or interesting? What if someone comes after me because they don't like what I wrote? What if I look back on the blog and become embarrassed by my previous opinions?
Then I sat down and decided to be honest with myself - look, I'm never going to be perfect, but I don't have to be. I just need to sit down and make a commitment to myself to try. So I nabbed this account with Bear and I'm going to make it stick this time. No editing five times over, no withholding ideas because I'm afraid of how they will be perceived, no fiddling with themes or scripts.
Code More
In addition to being a writer, another thing I tell myself often is that I'm a good programmer. I have ideas, and they're good! I just never actually try to implement them. Or help out any of the many incredible open-source projects I use every day. Or, you know, write code. The kicker for me was realizing that I spend significantly more time watching people online write code than I do actually writing code. It forced me to realize there was a huge gap between my perception of myself and my actual self.
No longer! For Christmas, partially just because I wanted one and partially to encourage myself, I bought a new Mac to replace my ~7 year old Dell laptop. I'm reserving this machine entirely for creative work. Something where I can turn off the video games and notifications, sit down in a coffee shop or a library, and actually make something of my time in digital space.
Even if it amounts to nothing, it certainly beats YouTube and Twitch.
Engage More
I have always been a private, reserved person, someone who does not make friends or conversation easily. I am blessed to have the friends that I currently do, because they were delivered into my life by a series of beautiful accidents. I did not work for nor earn them. Firstly, I need to make a commitment to being better friends to them, lest they disappear as quickly as they came.
Secondly, I realize that I want to do so many things and I can't always rely on my current friends to want to understand and participate. If I need someone to help me build a Discord bot, for example, and my current friends don't want to do that, then that's perfectly fine! I will simply have to reach out and find a community that does.
Let Go More
There was a weasel sentence in that last paragraph - "I want to do so many things." In fact, the problem is that I want to do too many things. I've been working on accepting that I cannot sleep 8 hours a night, exceed expectations at work, grow my career, learn new things on the side, be well-read, cook all my own meals, go to the gym, learn new languages (natural and programming), play D&D several hours a week, travel, play competitive games, and treat my girlfriend to dates, all at the same time... At least, not the current way I am doing it. It's becoming increasingly more obvious that when I try and do everything, I usually just slow all progress to a crawl.
Realizing this was very difficult for me as I am a very active and opinionated person. I seek control in everything; I like things to be the way I want them too. I need to pick and choose where I dedicate my time, properly follow through on those allocations, and accept the things I can't change. That in itself is a skill to sharpen.
Conclusion
I don't have any grand insights into what I should do next or how to be better. I'm just a guy hammering on a keyboard at this point. Despite that I'm optimistic that I can be a more measured and principled person if I try. Not everything needs to be a shocking innovation, a grandiose contribution to the world.